Woodstock Continues To Suck

August 14, 2009

The more I troll the interwebs on my daily rounds, the more I’m finding people that share my opinion about the overblown social significance  associated with the Woodstock music festival. Today, I found this great piece by Dick Polman of the Philadelphia Inquirer. Here are a few nuggets of his wisdom that are oh so true.

Enough about how Woodstock was supposedly the apogee of flower power, the moment when young people showed how they would change the world and transform human consciousness. Enough with the documentary footage of the festival organizers clutching their flowers and gushing about cosmic, utopian oneness.

The truth, omitted from the 1970 documentary, is that hundreds of kids ingested bad acid and required medical treatment in the “freakout tent,” that the Grateful Dead were almost electrocuted onstage during a downpour, that stoned musicians traveling in helicopters vomited on the crowd, that two festival organizers wound up suing the other two (there were 80 lawsuits in all), and that many of the people in attendance remain confused about what they actually witnessed versus what they saw in the documentary.

And Polman reminds us that these supposed free-loving, throw-caution-to-the-wind hippies are now a generation of overprotective, pussified parents that have kids that can’t spend more than three hours on their own without melting down.

And enough about the purported bliss of camping incommunicado for three days and nights in mud and rain. If kids today told their boomer parents that they intended to follow the Woodstock template, they’d never get out the door – not unless they agreed to pack the GPS-equipped family SUV with SPF 50 (to guard against sunburn), 100 percent Deet bug spray (to fight Lyme disease), electrolyte-enhanced bottled water (for extra hydration), condoms (duh), a North Face tent (to ensure privacy), an EMS parka (to guard against raindrops), and a nonnegotiable directive to check in via text message at the top of every hour.

Boomers are risk-averse as parents because they realize they haven’t changed the world. If anything, the world is more dangerous now than it was in 1969, when Woodstock’s public-address announcer was intoning that “the man next to you is your brother.” We’ve spent much of the past decade wondering whether the man next to us is a bomber.

You hear that, hippies? You and your shitty music festivals, your free love, your psychodelic drugs and your offensive body odor have done nothing to change the world for the better. If anything, you’ve made the world worse. Much, much worse.


Woodstock Sucks

August 13, 2009

Finally, someone from the ’60s has the balls to come out and say what I’ve always guessed to be the truth: that Woodstock was nothing more than a clusterfuck of filthy hippies and mediocre musical performances by bands with way overblown social significance. I can’t imagine a better firsthand view of hell of Earth than a gathering of 300,000 dirty, worthless hippies screwing, shitting and spewing their moronic rhetoric in public. I would rather have spent two years in the trenches during World War I.

I hate to break this to you, worthless ’60s hippies (the most worthless generation of Americans in history), but getting stoned, listening to highly generic music, humping a goat and playing grab ass in the mud didn’t “change the world, man.” You folks were a joke in 1969 and you’re still a joke 40 years later. Now go smoke a bowl and put on some Hendrix in your “apartment” in your daughter’s basement. Groovy man.

Why Americans Hate Soccer

July 7, 2009

Far and away, the most popular/controversial post I’ve ever written on Homers was this one about how much soccer sucks. I posted that item in May 2008 and people are still commenting on it. While I was out last week, a commenter named “big pete” left what I believe to be the greatest comment in Homers history. His argument strikes right at the heart of why soccer is a pussified, Euro-trash sport that will always be shunned by the American masses. I reprint big pete’s comment here for you in its entirety.

Read the rest of this entry »

Finally, Someone Agrees With Me

June 6, 2009

Amanda Cobra is a fellow Dallas blogger who writes the perpetually sharp-witted and spot-on blog, You Go Live In Utah. Her latest post tackles what has become an obsession of mine: proclaiming the absolute worthlessness of Twitter. People try to downplay my naysaying since I’ve never actually taken the time to sign up for a Twitter account. Well, Amanda listened to the hype, signed up and realized that Twitter is still retarded. Read her complete post here. Or RT it to all of your followers. Or take your iPhone and shove it up your……..ahhhh what’s the use.

Even Further Proof That Soccer Sucks

May 28, 2009

About a year ago, I posted about the absurdity of professional soccer and the toothless Euro/Mexican/Unic brigade came out in force to call me a moron. Hell, these jackasses are still commenting on that post. Well cross-country kick ballers, let me know when you see such manly acts as these take place on a real football field. Tell me how popular faking headbutts is in Afghanistan, Kenya, Somalia and North Korea. I’m waiting for your responses, hillbillies. Try to be a little more articulate this time around.

Christianity, Obama & Gays…Oh My!

December 18, 2008

This article was written today in response to President Elect Obama choosing evangelical pastor Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at the inauguration. Apparently, the hershey highway commuters are upset because Rick Warren, pastor of a megachurch in California, backed a ballot initiative to ban gay marriages in the Terminator’s state.  

Gay rights advocates say they are troubled that Obama would give Warren such a visible role at his swearing-in. “By inviting Rick Warren to your inauguration, you have tarnished the view that gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Americans have a place at your table,” the letter said. 

Well, when it comes down to it…that’s right on. You have no place at the table that was built by the blood of patriots. You can have a place at the table that was built by the feather boas of fruitcakes in San Francisco. You keep watching re-runs of Will & Grace, and we’ll keep bearing arms to protect our great country and what it stands for.

Is This Thing On?

December 17, 2008

Sweet God, I’m out of pocket for five days and I come back to find Homers looking like the Mona Lisa with shit spackled all over it. And that shit is smeared in the shape of the word “Jerrod.”

Time to address the issues brought up by my counterpart one by one which will come in subsequent posts.