I was positive when I got laid off at the beginning of May that one of the good things about all my new-found free time would be that I could really focus on Homers for awhile. What I didn’t bet on was this summer being duller than dog shit. There have been a few items of note with regards to the local sports teams that I could have opined on (Tony dumping Jessica, the Gortat non-deal effing the Mavs, the all-too-expected mid-summer collapse of the Rangers), but in all honesty, these things just don’t interest me anymore.
So, in an effort to keep this blog going, I present you with a piece I wrote two and a half years ago. It was supposed to run on another site I briefly wrote for, but it never saw the light of day. Without further ado, I bring you this masterpiece of sarcasm and wit.
I’ll admit it. As a kid growing up, I loved comic books, super heroes and pretty much anything that involved capes and full body leotards. I held my breath as Batman, perilously dangling from a helicopter rope ladder, bravely called to Robin for the Bat-anti-shark repellent spray as the flaccid Styrofoam shark was latched onto his leg in the 1968 feature film. I watched every episode I could of “The Amazing Spider-Man” on Channel 21 even though Spider-Man looked like an out of work porn star wearing one of those cheap Halloween costumes your mom bought for $2.99 at the local Safeway.
And even though I’m now a slightly more mature man of 26, I still get sucked into my old ways. It always comes back to bite me when I try to re-visit eras of life that are long-gone, but still I try to recapture the magic. As I sat at home Sunday night, pouting because the wife didn’t agree with me that $49.95 was a great investment to see WrestleMania 23 live from Detroit (especially since it was the 20th anniversary of when 93,000 people packed inside the Silverdome to watch Hulk Hogan defeat Andre the Giant.), I stumbled across Superman II on some cable channel I didn’t even know I had.
To refresh your memory, Superman II chronicles the epic battle of the world’s greatest hero against recently freed Kryptonian prisoners, Zod, Ursa and Non. Zod being the slightly effeminate leader with the child molester mustache, Ursa being the surprisingly hot, yet bitchy token female and Non being the hairy, mute, half-retard who apparently grew up in the Krypton equivalent of Arkansas. But I digress….
I find that these movies are always much cheesier than we remember them from our childhood, but there came a moment in this film that pretty much ruined me from ever watching the Superman movies again.
The pivotal moment of the entire movie is when Superman takes Lois Lane to the Fortress of Solitude, Superman’s frozen, ice house located at the North Pole. There he decides to give up his super powers in a special crystal chamber in order to live a normal life as Lane’s husband. Because, as we all know, it’s every man’s dream to live a life of servitude to a woman rather than to fly around the world, kicking ass and rescuing people from dire situations. That premise alone should be enough to make any male (especially a married one) turn the TV off immediately.
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