Worst Sports Column of All-Time

September 10, 2009

Can you imagine Ms. Dugard’s reaction to this?

“Gee thanks, Mr. Whicker. I’ve been meaning to catch up on my sports from the last few years, but the whole being kidnapped, raped and tortured business totally got in the way.”

Eff you, Mark Whicker and the no-talent editorial staff at the OC Register who published this pile of shit.


Sorry Folks, But It’s Liberals Who Kill Presidents, Not Conservatives

August 28, 2009

The constant chirping from Left-wing windbags recently about the threat of potential Right-wing “terrorists” and “assassins” has reached a fevered pitch in this country. In an effort to play their omnipresent victim card, liberals have been up-in-arms about the threat of Obama being assassinated or other terrorist acts being perpetrated by the “extremists” who have shown up in force to denounce the socialist policy reforms of this administration.

However, as it is with most dealings with the fanatical Left, none of their theories are based on history or facts. How about we take a long look back at the history of political assassination and assassination attempts in this country? Every presidential assassin in the history of America has been a leftist – or had no politics at all. Not a single one was a right-winger.

  • Actor/activist John Wilkes Booth shot President Lincoln because he opposed his Republican war policies. Booth left a letter saying he loved “peace more than life” and he denounced Republicans for pushing an unnecessary war on to the South.
  • Charles J. Guiteau shot President James Garfield in 1881. He was a member of a utopian commune called the Oneida Community where free love and communal child-rearing were practiced.
  • Leon Czolgosz killed President William McKinley in 1901. He was a devout socialist and anarchist who was inspired to action after hearing fellow socialist Emma Goldman give a speech.
  • Giuseppe Zangara attempted to assassinate FDR in 1933. He was consumed with rage and jealousy towards the rich and sought to “make even with capitalists” by killing the president. He had also plotted to kill Hebert Hoover because he, too, was a capitalist.
  • Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK in 1963. Oswald was enthralled with communism from the time he was a teenager. He even lived in the Soviet Union for a period of time, attempting to gain citizenship, but he was denied. He returned with this Soviet wife to the US where he tried to preach the glories of communism. He first attempted to shoot Major General Edwin A. Walker as Walker sat in his house, but he missed. He also planned on making an attempt on former vice president Richard Nixon’s life while he was in Dallas, but the timing didn’t work out. After he successfully killed JFK, his first call was to John Abt, lawyer for the American Communist Party, asking Abt to defend him. Abt never got the chance thanks to Jack Ruby.
  • Sirhan Sirhan killed Robert Kennedy in 1968. Sirhan was a Palestinian extremist who thought Kennedy was too supportive of Israel.
  • Arthur Bremer, who shot and paralyzed presidential candidate George Wallace in 1972, had ties to the Black Panthers.
  • Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme pointed a loaded gun at President Gerald Ford in 1975. She was a member of Charles Manson’s counter-cultural hippie cult.
  • Sara Jane Moore tried to kill President Ford 17 days after the Fromme incident. She claimed that Ford’s administration had “declared war on the left.”

Then we have all of the political violence of the Left in the 1970s and 80s caused by such radical groups as the Weather Underground, the Black Panthers and the Black Liberation Army.

  • Waverly “Chipper” Brown, the only black officer in Nyack, New York at the time, was killed along with two other officers in 1981 when the Weather Underground attempted to rob the Brinks truck Brown and his fellow officers were protecting.
  • Robert Fassnacht, a physics student at the University of Wisconsin, was killed in 1971 by a car bomb set off on campus by a group of anti-war protesters.
  • Liberals in various groups also planted bombs or tried to plant bombs at an Army dance hall at Fort Dix, NYC police headquarters, the Harvard international-studies center, various corporate offices, National Guard headquarters, the Pentagon and the Capitol Building.

In more recent news, peace-loving liberals have written books and made movies glamorizing the assassination of George W. Bush.

So what side of the political spectrum am I supposed to be afraid of again?

h/t to Guilty: Liberal “Victims” and Their Assault on America.

Woodstock Continues To Suck

August 14, 2009

The more I troll the interwebs on my daily rounds, the more I’m finding people that share my opinion about the overblown social significance  associated with the Woodstock music festival. Today, I found this great piece by Dick Polman of the Philadelphia Inquirer. Here are a few nuggets of his wisdom that are oh so true.

Enough about how Woodstock was supposedly the apogee of flower power, the moment when young people showed how they would change the world and transform human consciousness. Enough with the documentary footage of the festival organizers clutching their flowers and gushing about cosmic, utopian oneness.

The truth, omitted from the 1970 documentary, is that hundreds of kids ingested bad acid and required medical treatment in the “freakout tent,” that the Grateful Dead were almost electrocuted onstage during a downpour, that stoned musicians traveling in helicopters vomited on the crowd, that two festival organizers wound up suing the other two (there were 80 lawsuits in all), and that many of the people in attendance remain confused about what they actually witnessed versus what they saw in the documentary.

And Polman reminds us that these supposed free-loving, throw-caution-to-the-wind hippies are now a generation of overprotective, pussified parents that have kids that can’t spend more than three hours on their own without melting down.

And enough about the purported bliss of camping incommunicado for three days and nights in mud and rain. If kids today told their boomer parents that they intended to follow the Woodstock template, they’d never get out the door – not unless they agreed to pack the GPS-equipped family SUV with SPF 50 (to guard against sunburn), 100 percent Deet bug spray (to fight Lyme disease), electrolyte-enhanced bottled water (for extra hydration), condoms (duh), a North Face tent (to ensure privacy), an EMS parka (to guard against raindrops), and a nonnegotiable directive to check in via text message at the top of every hour.

Boomers are risk-averse as parents because they realize they haven’t changed the world. If anything, the world is more dangerous now than it was in 1969, when Woodstock’s public-address announcer was intoning that “the man next to you is your brother.” We’ve spent much of the past decade wondering whether the man next to us is a bomber.

You hear that, hippies? You and your shitty music festivals, your free love, your psychodelic drugs and your offensive body odor have done nothing to change the world for the better. If anything, you’ve made the world worse. Much, much worse.

Woodstock Sucks

August 13, 2009

Finally, someone from the ’60s has the balls to come out and say what I’ve always guessed to be the truth: that Woodstock was nothing more than a clusterfuck of filthy hippies and mediocre musical performances by bands with way overblown social significance. I can’t imagine a better firsthand view of hell of Earth than a gathering of 300,000 dirty, worthless hippies screwing, shitting and spewing their moronic rhetoric in public. I would rather have spent two years in the trenches during World War I.

I hate to break this to you, worthless ’60s hippies (the most worthless generation of Americans in history), but getting stoned, listening to highly generic music, humping a goat and playing grab ass in the mud didn’t “change the world, man.” You folks were a joke in 1969 and you’re still a joke 40 years later. Now go smoke a bowl and put on some Hendrix in your “apartment” in your daughter’s basement. Groovy man.

Another Childhood Favorite Ruined For Me

July 19, 2009

I was positive when I got laid off at the beginning of May that one of the good things about all my new-found free time would be that I could really focus on Homers for awhile. What I didn’t bet on was this summer being duller than dog shit. There have been a few items of note with regards to the local sports teams that I could have opined on (Tony dumping Jessica, the Gortat non-deal effing the Mavs, the all-too-expected mid-summer collapse of the Rangers), but in all honesty, these things just don’t interest me anymore.

So, in an effort to keep this blog going, I present you with a piece I wrote two and a half years ago. It was supposed to run on another site I briefly wrote for, but it never saw the light of day. Without further ado, I bring you this masterpiece of sarcasm and wit.


I’ll admit it. As a kid growing up, I loved comic books, super heroes and pretty much anything that involved capes and full body leotards. I held my breath as Batman, perilously dangling from a helicopter rope ladder, bravely called to Robin for the Bat-anti-shark repellent spray as the flaccid Styrofoam shark was latched onto his leg in the 1968 feature film. I watched every episode I could of “The Amazing Spider-Man” on Channel 21 even though Spider-Man looked like an out of work porn star wearing one of those cheap Halloween costumes your mom bought for $2.99 at the local Safeway.

And even though I’m now a slightly more mature man of 26, I still get sucked into my old ways. It always comes back to bite me when I try to re-visit eras of life that are long-gone, but still I try to recapture the magic. As I sat at home Sunday night, pouting because the wife didn’t agree with me that $49.95 was a great investment to see WrestleMania 23 live from Detroit (especially since it was the 20th anniversary of when 93,000 people packed inside the Silverdome to watch Hulk Hogan defeat Andre the Giant.), I stumbled across Superman II on some cable channel I didn’t even know I had.

To refresh your memory, Superman II chronicles the epic battle of the world’s greatest hero against recently freed Kryptonian prisoners, Zod, Ursa and Non. Zod being the slightly effeminate leader with the child molester mustache, Ursa being the surprisingly hot, yet bitchy token female and Non being the hairy, mute, half-retard who apparently grew up in the Krypton equivalent of Arkansas. But I digress….

I find that these movies are always much cheesier than we remember them from our childhood, but there came a moment in this film that pretty much ruined me from ever watching the Superman movies again.

The pivotal moment of the entire movie is when Superman takes Lois Lane to the Fortress of Solitude, Superman’s frozen, ice house located at the North Pole. There he decides to give up his super powers in a special crystal chamber in order to live a normal life as Lane’s husband. Because, as we all know, it’s every man’s dream to live a life of servitude to a woman rather than to fly around the world, kicking ass and rescuing people from dire situations. That premise alone should be enough to make any male (especially a married one) turn the TV off immediately.

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Jason Whitlock: This Is Why Athletes Should Never Marry

July 17, 2009

Man, I’ve been barking up this tree for years. I think it goes for actors and musicians, too. If you’ve got the world by the balls and you know ahead of time that you’re not going to be faithful, then why even waste the time to get married in the first place.

Why Americans Hate Soccer

July 7, 2009

Far and away, the most popular/controversial post I’ve ever written on Homers was this one about how much soccer sucks. I posted that item in May 2008 and people are still commenting on it. While I was out last week, a commenter named “big pete” left what I believe to be the greatest comment in Homers history. His argument strikes right at the heart of why soccer is a pussified, Euro-trash sport that will always be shunned by the American masses. I reprint big pete’s comment here for you in its entirety.

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