Dallas Puts Minnesota In Its Place……Again

December 31, 2008

The city of Dallas continued it’s sports pwnage of the state of Minnesota last night when the Mavericks pulled off the largest comeback victory in franchise history. With the Timberwolves up by 29 points early in the third quarter, the Mavs pulled off a furious rally and ended up winning 107-100.

And thus, another Dallas sports franchise has one of their hallmark moments on the books against a team from Minnesota. In case you need a refresher, here’s a list of historical bitch slaps that Dallas teams have handed out at Minnesota’s expense:

* The invention of the “Hail Mary” pass. On December 28, 1975, Roger Staubach and Drew Pearson hooked up on a last second desperation pass to defeat the Minnesota Vikings in a divisional round playoff game at old Metropolitan Stadium. The “Hail Mary” has been a part of the football lexicon ever since.

* The longest run in NFL history. On December 3, 1983, Tony Dorsett had a 99 yard touchdown run against the Minnesota Vikings. The best part was that Dallas only had 10 players on the field at the time, giving the Vikings a huge advantage.

* The most one-sided trade in NFL history. On October 12, 1989, “The Trade” as it would come be known was pulled off. The Cowboys traded Herschel Walker to Minnesota for what seemed like 55 draft picks, all 10,000 lakes and eventually, their NHL team. (The details of the trade are too long to list, so check out the link above if you want read up on the nitty-gritty.) The Cowboys parlayed the trade into three Super Bowl victories, several hall of famers and what ended up being one of the greatest runs in NFL history. The Vikings got a couple of seasons out of Walker and faded back into mediocrity where they became the poster child for getting completely raped in a trade.

* Dallas steals the “State of Hockey’s” hockey team. In the fall of 1993, the Minnesota North Stars packed up the Met Center and headed for the warmer, greener pastures of Dallas, Texas. For a state that claims to be so rabid about hockey, they didn’t turn out at all for the North Stars, leaving the team in the red and seeking a new home. The team, which had been in Minnesota since 1967, promptly won the Stanley Cup six years later in Dallas; a feat never accomplished in “hockey-crazed” Minnesota.

* The Cowboys, who are currently mired in a 12-year playoff funk, had their last playoff victory against….wait a minute….I’ll let you guess. The Minnesota Vikings! They laid down a 40-15 drubbing of the Vikes at Texas Stadium in December 1996. So even in their current state of failure, the Cowboys can look back on their long-time bitch with fond memories.

* If you want to go a bit further and apply this to the entire state of Texas instead of just Dallas, then you could include “The Comeback” also. On December 29, 2006, the Texas Tech Red Raiders completed the biggest comeback in bowl history when they overcame a 31-point third quarter deficit to defeat the Minnesota Golden Gophers in the Insight Bowl.

It hurts so good, doesn’t it Minnesota? Don’t worry, since you’re our little sister, we’ll make sure nobody else picks on you.

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2008 Cowboys = Epic Fail

December 30, 2008

I know, I know. You probably thought you’d see this post a little sooner than now. But I couldn’t bring myself to sit down and spend the time with my thoughts about the Cowboys. Every time I tried, I got nauseous. It isn’t enough for Dallas teams to simply disappoint their fans anymore. They have to humiliate us. They have to set grand expectations and promote themselves up to a point that can only be followed by an incredibly embarrassing crash back to earth. And usually that crash takes place on the biggest national stage possible.

The 2008 Dallas Cowboys disgust me. For the first time in my entire life, I’m ashamed to be associated with the team. Name a negative adjective and it probably applies to this team. Gutless. Heartless. Selfish. Careless. Useless. Or as I told my friend Isaac during the third quarter of Sunday’s debacle, “This Cowboys team has redefined the word gay.”

For this thing to have any hope of getting back on track next season, massive changes have to be made. Here are my suggestions for the Cowboys front office, so listen up Jerrah, you wax-faced, soul-stealing succubus:

* Jason Garrett is already being considered for the Detroit Lions head coaching job. Encourage him to take it and take anyone who’s interested in going with him. Garrett’s inability to adjust his offensive schemes according to what defense he’s facing make him a one-trick pony. He’s been figured out and exposed as a fraud. Don’t let the door know hit you in the ass on your way out, you ginger-headed eunuch.

* Cut Terrell Owens. Now. This pompous asshole disappears in big games, drops easy passes and worst of all, sets the tone of selfishness and arrogance that has consumed this franchise. You try working with someone who you know will sabotage your entire company as soon he perceives anything as a personal slight. People like this deserve to be thrown to the “Sisters” in Shawshank, not rewarded with multi-year contracts.

* Why stop at T.O.? Cut Roy E. Williams too. Eat your losses, admit you messed up and roll out next year with Witten as the primary target in the passing game, complimented by Patrick Crayton, Miles Austin and Sam Hurd. New England won three Super Bowls with no-names at receiver. You remember David Givens, Troy Brown, Reche Caldwell and Deion Branch? Imagine a Tony Romo who can drop back, make a read and throw it to whoever is open. All the time. With no repercussions. No one barking in his ear. Or complaining to Deion Sanders on national television. It’s called addition by subtraction, and it’s something Dallas has needed for awhile now.

* While you’re at it, get rid of Roy Williams (safety), Flozell Adams, Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, Greg Ellis, Zach Thomas, Patrick Watkins, Anthony Henry, Bobby Carpenter, Marcus Spears and Brad Johnson, too. Throw ’em all in the fucking ocean for all I care.

* Even after the trade for Roy Williams (WR), the Cowboys still have nine picks in the 2009 draft. Several in the second and third rounds. Use all of them on offensive linemen and maybe a safety or two.

* Combine this plethora of young offensive linemen with the talented veterans you still have. Combine that with the stable of three highly talented running backs who are currently on the roster. You now have an offense geared around the running game. It worked in the ’90s and it can work again. If Romo can’t win big games, then lets make the passing game secondary in this offense. Let’s run 30 times a game and throw 20. Our defense is stout enough to keep the score down. It’s called ball control. If you need proof of it’s effectiveness, see the New York Giants, Pittsburgh Steelers and Baltimore Ravens.

* Find a serviceable backup quarterback so that the entire season isn’t shot to shit because Romo has to miss three games.

In conclusion, I’ll repeat what I stated earlier this year: I hate you, 2008 Dallas Cowboys. God damn, I hate you so much.


Friday Fun: The Macelet

December 26, 2008

Ever since Jerrod introduced us to Vincent Yestinad Dooly, aka Invent Destiny, I have to say, I’ve been mildly obsessed. If (as Snackbar said) Ed Werder’s mustache could bail out the Big Three, then Vincent’s ‘stache could fondle your balls through your junior high gym shorts.


Merry Christmas From Vincent Dooly

December 25, 2008

CowPies

December 22, 2008

Remember when you were 11 or 12 at your first junior high dance? You catch the hot, popular girl walking away from her clique to get some punch and you figure this is your opportunity to make some magic happen. The party in your pants has already begun ever since you first caught a glimpse of the little vixen across the cafeteria floor turned American Bandstand. You tap her on the shoulder and mutter the question in a crackling voice, “You wanna dance? *Gulp*”

She towers over you, looks down then rolls her eyes and says, “Go f**k yourself!” You storm out crying and disappointed, then proceed to your bedroom and take her advice. I know, I know… it’s a page out of Steve’s biography. But it’s also the way every Cowboys fan feels today. There’s not an hour in the day that goes by without thinking about your team. You get butterflies before every game. How you treat your wife is completely dependent on how the team fares. There’s always hope. Then you get to Saturday night for the last game in the glorious urinal called Texas Stadium. Cowboys legends of the past fill the suites. Next thing you know, you’re replaying a scene from the Crying Game, sobbing in the bathtub with the shower running, screaming out to the football gods…and if you’ve forgotten why you feel that way, here’s some game notes and thoughts about the ‘Boys:

* Why has Marion Barber even suited up the last two weeks? Completely ineffective for the two plays you have him in the game. Rest him. Let him finally heal.

* On 3rd and 9, and the one good shot you have to go deep, you can’t afford to overthrow Miles Austin streaking five yards past the closest defender for a go ahead touchdown.

* Ken Hamlin DIDN’T make three big plays.  He DIDN’T recover the fumble that bounced right in his hands. He DIDN’T make the tackle in the hole on the 77 yard McGahee TD run. He DIDN’T make the tackle in the hole on the 82 yard Mclean TD run.

* How does a receiver with a seperated shoulder get loose for a touchdown? Anthony Henry. That’s how.

* Did anyone else notice that the Dolphins are 10-5 and can win their division next week? I miss you Bill Parcells. And Tony Sparano. And Jeff Ireland. And David Lee. Even you Anthony Fasano.  

*I’m losing confidence in T.O. I’ve lost confidence in Jason Garrett. I never had confidence in Wade Phillips.

*Coach Harbaugh made the call of the year with the fake field goal that eventually led to a touchdown for the Ravens.

*Was Romo playing a game of 500 when he threw those two interceptions to Ed Reed?

* Why don’t our receivers run slants across the middle? 

* You know what you can get for two #1 draft picks? 17 receptions, 194 yards and 1 TD in 9 games.

* Didn’t Ray Lewis kill somebody?

With all that said, I’ll still wear the colors. Still cheer on Dallas. Still love Romo. Still be disappointed.


Is Romo The New A-Rod?

December 22, 2008

I have a very uneasy feeling in my stomach this morning that still hasn’t settled since the Cowboys made me vommit my small intestine late Saturday night. When it seems to matter most, this Cowboys team seems to play it’s worst. None more so than the once touted savior of the franchise Tony Romo. I’m not going to jump off the cliff just yet and say that Romo won’t ever turn it around, but to this point he is looking more and more like Alex Rodriguez. Both are dating celebrities, both have big contracts, both are at the top of the sports food chain in their respective cities, both put up great numbers during the regular season, but neither can cross the threshold into playoff bliss. Don’t get me wrong, I love Romo. I love the style he plays with and the chances he takes with the football. But thus far, he can’t get it done when the pressure is really on. And yes I realize that neither the Cowboys or Yankees would be near as good without Romo and A-Rod. A football player’s career is built in the regular season, but his legend is built in the playoffs. It’s time for Romo to work on the latter.


Mavs Get Pwned In Harris/Kidd Trade

December 20, 2008

The Mavericks were able to see first hand just how stupid the Jason Kidd for Devin Harris trade was last night when the New Jersey Nets throttled Dallas 121-97. Harris, who has cemented his place as the best point guard in the Eastern Conference, had 41 points and dropped 13 dimes on his old club. Kidd had a mundane 17 points and seven assists.

Thank you, Avery Johnson, for shackling Devin Harris for so long that you had everyone fooled about what a fine player he really was. Some of us could see it in the flashes of games when he’d ignore Avery’s inane calls to slow it down. Instead, he got to see him get shipped away in one last feeble attempt salvage a season in which the only thing holding the Mavericks back was injuries. Desperation sure is a stinky perfume. And now us fans get to inhale a big whiff every time we see Harris torch another opponent.