Woodstock Continues To Suck

The more I troll the interwebs on my daily rounds, the more I’m finding people that share my opinion about the overblown social significance  associated with the Woodstock music festival. Today, I found this great piece by Dick Polman of the Philadelphia Inquirer. Here are a few nuggets of his wisdom that are oh so true.

Enough about how Woodstock was supposedly the apogee of flower power, the moment when young people showed how they would change the world and transform human consciousness. Enough with the documentary footage of the festival organizers clutching their flowers and gushing about cosmic, utopian oneness.

The truth, omitted from the 1970 documentary, is that hundreds of kids ingested bad acid and required medical treatment in the “freakout tent,” that the Grateful Dead were almost electrocuted onstage during a downpour, that stoned musicians traveling in helicopters vomited on the crowd, that two festival organizers wound up suing the other two (there were 80 lawsuits in all), and that many of the people in attendance remain confused about what they actually witnessed versus what they saw in the documentary.

And Polman reminds us that these supposed free-loving, throw-caution-to-the-wind hippies are now a generation of overprotective, pussified parents that have kids that can’t spend more than three hours on their own without melting down.

And enough about the purported bliss of camping incommunicado for three days and nights in mud and rain. If kids today told their boomer parents that they intended to follow the Woodstock template, they’d never get out the door – not unless they agreed to pack the GPS-equipped family SUV with SPF 50 (to guard against sunburn), 100 percent Deet bug spray (to fight Lyme disease), electrolyte-enhanced bottled water (for extra hydration), condoms (duh), a North Face tent (to ensure privacy), an EMS parka (to guard against raindrops), and a nonnegotiable directive to check in via text message at the top of every hour.

Boomers are risk-averse as parents because they realize they haven’t changed the world. If anything, the world is more dangerous now than it was in 1969, when Woodstock’s public-address announcer was intoning that “the man next to you is your brother.” We’ve spent much of the past decade wondering whether the man next to us is a bomber.

You hear that, hippies? You and your shitty music festivals, your free love, your psychodelic drugs and your offensive body odor have done nothing to change the world for the better. If anything, you’ve made the world worse. Much, much worse.

Woodstock Sucks

Finally, someone from the ’60s has the balls to come out and say what I’ve always guessed to be the truth: that Woodstock was nothing more than a clusterfuck of filthy hippies and mediocre musical performances by bands with way overblown social significance. I can’t imagine a better firsthand view of hell of Earth than a gathering of 300,000 dirty, worthless hippies screwing, shitting and spewing their moronic rhetoric in public. I would rather have spent two years in the trenches during World War I.

I hate to break this to you, worthless ’60s hippies (the most worthless generation of Americans in history), but getting stoned, listening to highly generic music, humping a goat and playing grab ass in the mud didn’t “change the world, man.” You folks were a joke in 1969 and you’re still a joke 40 years later. Now go smoke a bowl and put on some Hendrix in your “apartment” in your daughter’s basement. Groovy man.

Why Americans Hate Soccer

Far and away, the most popular/controversial post I’ve ever written on Homers was this one about how much soccer sucks. I posted that item in May 2008 and people are still commenting on it. While I was out last week, a commenter named “big pete” left what I believe to be the greatest comment in Homers history. His argument strikes right at the heart of why soccer is a pussified, Euro-trash sport that will always be shunned by the American masses. I reprint big pete’s comment here for you in its entirety.

Finally, Someone Agrees With Me

Amanda Cobra is a fellow Dallas blogger who writes the perpetually sharp-witted and spot-on blog, You Go Live In Utah. Her latest post tackles what has become an obsession of mine: proclaiming the absolute worthlessness of Twitter. People try to downplay my naysaying since I’ve never actually taken the time to sign up for a Twitter account. Well, Amanda listened to the hype, signed up and realized that Twitter is still retarded. Read her complete post here. Or RT it to all of your followers. Or take your iPhone and shove it up your……..ahhhh what’s the use.

Even Further Proof That Soccer Sucks

About a year ago, I posted about the absurdity of professional soccer and the toothless Euro/Mexican/Unic brigade came out in force to call me a moron. Hell, these jackasses are still commenting on that post. Well cross-country kick ballers, let me know when you see such manly acts as these take place on a real football field. Tell me how popular faking headbutts is in Afghanistan, Kenya, Somalia and North Korea. I’m waiting for your responses, hillbillies. Try to be a little more articulate this time around.

Christianity, Obama & Gays…Oh My!

This article was written today in response to President Elect Obama choosing evangelical pastor Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at the inauguration. Apparently, the hershey highway commuters are upset because Rick Warren, pastor of a megachurch in California, backed a ballot initiative to ban gay marriages in the Terminator’s state.  

Gay rights advocates say they are troubled that Obama would give Warren such a visible role at his swearing-in. “By inviting Rick Warren to your inauguration, you have tarnished the view that gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Americans have a place at your table,” the letter said. 

Well, when it comes down to it…that’s right on. You have no place at the table that was built by the blood of patriots. You can have a place at the table that was built by the feather boas of fruitcakes in San Francisco. You keep watching re-runs of Will & Grace, and we’ll keep bearing arms to protect our great country and what it stands for.

Is This Thing On?

Sweet God, I’m out of pocket for five days and I come back to find Homers looking like the Mona Lisa with shit spackled all over it. And that shit is smeared in the shape of the word “Jerrod.”

Time to address the issues brought up by my counterpart one by one which will come in subsequent posts.

Tigers or Pussycats?

What happens when you go 5-19 during two seasons coaching a D1 Football team including losing your last 10 games?  You get hired as Auburn’s new head football coach. Well done Gene Chizik…on sleeping with the AD to get that job! The bright side is that Steve’s alma mater can now hire another football coach at Iowa State…and if Iowa State needs help in the selection process, I’ve listed my top five candidates below that I think could do better than 5-19 and who might be available:

1. Larry Eustacy (pictured) – he hasn’t finished his tour of the girls’ dorms on campus



2. Governor Blagojevich
3. Mike Leach – this is the only way he could play in the Big 12 Championship games is to coach in the North Division
4. Bernard Madoff – he would be a helluva booster in “raising” money for the program
5. Wade Phillips – we’ll pay you to take him.

What About Steve?

Here’s a question for those who know him…

How will Steve celebrate if the Cowboys are victorious over the Steelers this Sunday?  I’ve outlined some options to choose from below, or feel free to comment on your own.

a.  He will shit himself as the final whistle blows.

b.  He will piss himself as the final whistle blows.

c.  He will shit and piss himself simultaneously as the final whistle blows.

d.  He will pull his pants down in front of the TV in hopes of not pissing himself as time expires only to piss on the TV and electricuting himself but not caring because the last game he saw Dallas play amounted in a victory.

e.  He will have set a Texas state record for F-bombs and beers consumed during a Cowboys game.

f.  He will have prematurely sent his wife into labor trying to chest bump her as time expires.

g.  He will be lying in a pool of Bud heavy, naked from pissing & shitting himself earlier, passed out with a joker sized grin on his face.

h.  He will do a polar bear jump outside into a kiddie pool filled with Bud Light.

i.  He will hump the dog.

j.  He will hump make love to his wife.  (sorry Katie for the language and for Steve trying to do this to you)

k.  He will blow a 5.0 into a breath-a-lizer while being arrested for public intoxication when the neighbors call 911 because someone is pissing and shitting themselves in their yard while screaming “I’m Homo for Romo!”

My vote is “k”…now it’s your turn…comments are on!

RE: Jerrod’s Best Week Ever

And, last time I checked, he is still a 2009 Cowboys season ticket holder. So, you know, scoreboard.

Happy 100!!

For my 100th post, I’d like to give the Homers faithful a still shot from a webcam above Steve’s desk…Here’s to 100 more or at least until the FCC shuts us down…

Who’s Getting Run Out of Philly Today?

The best part about beating the Eagles is the turmoil and self-doubt that explodes in Philadelphia in the following few days. Each loss to Dallas brings the predictable deluge of commentary on which Eagle’s player is finished and which backups need to be brought to the forefront. In recent years, Donovan McNabb has taken the brunt of this ridiculous knee-jerking, with fans calling for the likes of Jeff Garcia, Mike McMahon and Kevin Kolb. However, it seems after last night that Brian Dawkins is the new scapegoat in Philly. Brian Dawkins. One of the most athletic, hard-hitting and fearless safeties in the NFL.

This is why you get no respect, Philly fans. All it takes is one unfortunate twist of fate and you’re willing to run your most ubiquitious players out of town. You’re idiots. You don’t understand anything about football beyond what your neanderthal brains can scrape from the surface. You’d be better off focusing your guido energies on spray tan, Jager bombs and the Jersey shore. You’re the awkward smelling grease stain on the carpet of the NFL.

Give Me A Fuggin’ Break…

As if there weren’t a million reasons to laugh at hippies already, here’s one more.

Another Day…

…another Fortune 500 company relocating to Dallas. Have I mentioned that Dallas is better than your city?

Another Thing Texans Are Better Than You At

Another list, another round of domination for Texas. This time Forbes ranked the best cities for recent college graduates (which pretty much means the best cities for twentysomethings). Here’s your top three: Houston, Dallas, Austin. I mean, I don’t want to say that we’re better than your state at everything, but well, I guess that’s what I’m saying.

W.T.F. P.E.T.A?

Came across this story today on ESPN.com…and I guess I’m not really surprised anymore, but it’s led me to start my own organization in protest of PETA.  SPFF…”Shoot Pigeons For Fun”…I will now carry a Red Rider BB gun in my car at all times and be ready to bust a cap in any pigeon’s ass that ever sh!ts on my car or crosses my path! Those who wish to join, just leave a comment and you’ll receive your membership card in 6-8 weeks along with our free gifts of a headdress made of pigeon feathers and a giant foam hand “shooting the bird” with PETA inscribed on the palm.

Thoughts On Tiger

Well, everyone has chimed in by now or had a thought towards Tiger’s latest Major victory and subsequent knee surgery…now it’s my turn. Tiger is simply the best golfer IN HISTORY to date. He still trails Nicklaus in Major victories, but even as it stands, Tiger would beat the Greats of Old head to head. He’s also transcendeding the sport in itself. Just look at the ratings and revenues at tournaments he’s NOT playing. Forbes just released their Most Powerful Entertainers, Celebrities, and Athletes. He’s #2…behind Oprah. Damn. Love him. Hate him. Love to hate him. Tiger is golf. 

Religion, Sports, and Me – V.2

Steve provoked an interesting subject to me in his last post.  It seems to me that “God’s” name is thrown around a lot nowadays by athletes, celebrities and the like that seemingly want to thank Him for the game-winning shot, a series ending homerun, a world championship, a new fashion line, or a movie premiere.  Now, it’s not my place to judge the eternity in which these people, or any people for that matter, will spend…but as a Christian-Texan-American-Republican, I do have the freedom  (a freedom which I do not take lightly) to give my opinion on the matter.

I do NOT begrudge anyone the same free will I share to choose whom they shall call God.  If that’s Allah, or Buddha, or Joseph Smith, that’s your choice to enjoy hotel Hell for the rest of eternity.  I don’t even mind listening to those who wish to share their faith, as long as they give me the same opportunity to share mine.  I also share the same feelings Steve has about Religion in many ways.  I believe there is a difference between criticism and persecution.  Roy Williams is not persecuted for sucking at coverage in the 2 deep zone…he’s criticized for it (and rightfully so!).  And as bad as the “persecution” may get for number 31, it’s unfathomable for me to understand the coorelation between that and the realistic persecution Christ faced that eventually led to His death.  But again, to each his own.  Where I will disagree with Steve, is I do believe God desires a very personal relationship with us that allows us to lift up anything and everything in prayer.  I will pray for my son to learn how to use the toilet instead of crapping his pants, and in the next breath, pray for comfort for a family who just lost a child.  That’s what I love about God.  I can talk to Him as a friend, much as I do with Steve…God just knows more and gives better advice. Steve, I also prayed for my house to be sold and for us to have a successful garage sale in the last 3 weeks, so that better not have been a personal shot…you know my punching power…i’ll come to your cube and knock you out!  But I digress…I enjoy cold beer.  Will let a foul word slip.  Bought a car once without my wife knowing. Like competition in D-League softball more than I should.  Watch horror movies.  And sin daily.  I gave up trying to be perfect a long time ago.  That is why the world needed a savior. That’s why I love God.  He saved me. Not Religion. That’s my soapbox. And yes, Jesus Christ CAN hit a curveball!

Further Proof That Soccer Sucks

Apparently the biggest soccer game in the world took place a couple days ago in Moscow.

From what I can tell, AIG beat Samsung in a shootout. I still stand by my assertion that the better match-up would have been Fidelity versus Wal-Mart or Rice-a-Roni versus Dominos Pizza.

Seriously, what’s the deal with the jerseys? Do the Euros model their soccer leagues after NASCAR? The WNBA doesn’t even resort to this kind of money-grubbing and they haven’t turned a profit in 12 years of existence.

How Do You Make A Rangers Game Watchable?

Throw in one of these. Apparently someone forgot to set out a fresh box of tampons for Richie Sexson before the game.