Worst Sports Column of All-Time

Can you imagine Ms. Dugard’s reaction to this?

“Gee thanks, Mr. Whicker. I’ve been meaning to catch up on my sports from the last few years, but the whole being kidnapped, raped and tortured business totally got in the way.”

Eff you, Mark Whicker and the no-talent editorial staff at the OC Register who published this pile of shit.

Sorry Folks, But It’s Liberals Who Kill Presidents, Not Conservatives

The constant chirping from Left-wing windbags recently about the threat of potential Right-wing “terrorists” and “assassins” has reached a fevered pitch in this country. In an effort to play their omnipresent victim card, liberals have been up-in-arms about the threat of Obama being assassinated or other terrorist acts being perpetrated by the “extremists” who have shown up in force to denounce the socialist policy reforms of this administration.

However, as it is with most dealings with the fanatical Left, none of their theories are based on history or facts. How about we take a long look back at the history of political assassination and assassination attempts in this country? Every presidential assassin in the history of America has been a leftist – or had no politics at all. Not a single one was a right-winger.

• Actor/activist John Wilkes Booth shot President Lincoln because he opposed his Republican war policies. Booth left a letter saying he loved “peace more than life” and he denounced Republicans for pushing an unnecessary war on to the South.
• Charles J. Guiteau shot President James Garfield in 1881. He was a member of a utopian commune called the Oneida Community where free love and communal child-rearing were practiced.
• Leon Czolgosz killed President William McKinley in 1901. He was a devout socialist and anarchist who was inspired to action after hearing fellow socialist Emma Goldman give a speech.
• Giuseppe Zangara attempted to assassinate FDR in 1933. He was consumed with rage and jealousy towards the rich and sought to “make even with capitalists” by killing the president. He had also plotted to kill Hebert Hoover because he, too, was a capitalist.
• Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK in 1963. Oswald was enthralled with communism from the time he was a teenager. He even lived in the Soviet Union for a period of time, attempting to gain citizenship, but he was denied. He returned with this Soviet wife to the US where he tried to preach the glories of communism. He first attempted to shoot Major General Edwin A. Walker as Walker sat in his house, but he missed. He also planned on making an attempt on former vice president Richard Nixon’s life while he was in Dallas, but the timing didn’t work out. After he successfully killed JFK, his first call was to John Abt, lawyer for the American Communist Party, asking Abt to defend him. Abt never got the chance thanks to Jack Ruby.
• Sirhan Sirhan killed Robert Kennedy in 1968. Sirhan was a Palestinian extremist who thought Kennedy was too supportive of Israel.
• Arthur Bremer, who shot and paralyzed presidential candidate George Wallace in 1972, had ties to the Black Panthers.
• Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme pointed a loaded gun at President Gerald Ford in 1975. She was a member of Charles Manson’s counter-cultural hippie cult.
• Sara Jane Moore tried to kill President Ford 17 days after the Fromme incident. She claimed that Ford’s administration had “declared war on the left.”

Then we have all of the political violence of the Left in the 1970s and 80s caused by such radical groups as the Weather Underground, the Black Panthers and the Black Liberation Army.

• Waverly “Chipper” Brown, the only black officer in Nyack, New York at the time, was killed along with two other officers in 1981 when the Weather Underground attempted to rob the Brinks truck Brown and his fellow officers were protecting.
• Robert Fassnacht, a physics student at the University of Wisconsin, was killed in 1971 by a car bomb set off on campus by a group of anti-war protesters.
• Liberals in various groups also planted bombs or tried to plant bombs at an Army dance hall at Fort Dix, NYC police headquarters, the Harvard international-studies center, various corporate offices, National Guard headquarters, the Pentagon and the Capitol Building.

In more recent news, peace-loving liberals have written books and made movies glamorizing the assassination of George W. Bush.

• Death of a President depicted the assassination of Bush and it went on to win the International Critics Prize at the 2006 Toronto Film Festival.
• The novel, The Assassination of George W. Bush: A Love Story, advocates the killing of the president for the good of humanity.

So what side of the political spectrum am I supposed to be afraid of again?

h/t to Guilty: Liberal “Victims” and Their Assault on America.

Woodstock Continues To Suck

The more I troll the interwebs on my daily rounds, the more I’m finding people that share my opinion about the overblown social significance  associated with the Woodstock music festival. Today, I found this great piece by Dick Polman of the Philadelphia Inquirer. Here are a few nuggets of his wisdom that are oh so true.

Enough about how Woodstock was supposedly the apogee of flower power, the moment when young people showed how they would change the world and transform human consciousness. Enough with the documentary footage of the festival organizers clutching their flowers and gushing about cosmic, utopian oneness.

The truth, omitted from the 1970 documentary, is that hundreds of kids ingested bad acid and required medical treatment in the “freakout tent,” that the Grateful Dead were almost electrocuted onstage during a downpour, that stoned musicians traveling in helicopters vomited on the crowd, that two festival organizers wound up suing the other two (there were 80 lawsuits in all), and that many of the people in attendance remain confused about what they actually witnessed versus what they saw in the documentary.

And Polman reminds us that these supposed free-loving, throw-caution-to-the-wind hippies are now a generation of overprotective, pussified parents that have kids that can’t spend more than three hours on their own without melting down.

And enough about the purported bliss of camping incommunicado for three days and nights in mud and rain. If kids today told their boomer parents that they intended to follow the Woodstock template, they’d never get out the door – not unless they agreed to pack the GPS-equipped family SUV with SPF 50 (to guard against sunburn), 100 percent Deet bug spray (to fight Lyme disease), electrolyte-enhanced bottled water (for extra hydration), condoms (duh), a North Face tent (to ensure privacy), an EMS parka (to guard against raindrops), and a nonnegotiable directive to check in via text message at the top of every hour.

Boomers are risk-averse as parents because they realize they haven’t changed the world. If anything, the world is more dangerous now than it was in 1969, when Woodstock’s public-address announcer was intoning that “the man next to you is your brother.” We’ve spent much of the past decade wondering whether the man next to us is a bomber.

You hear that, hippies? You and your shitty music festivals, your free love, your psychodelic drugs and your offensive body odor have done nothing to change the world for the better. If anything, you’ve made the world worse. Much, much worse.

Woodstock Sucks

Finally, someone from the ’60s has the balls to come out and say what I’ve always guessed to be the truth: that Woodstock was nothing more than a clusterfuck of filthy hippies and mediocre musical performances by bands with way overblown social significance. I can’t imagine a better firsthand view of hell of Earth than a gathering of 300,000 dirty, worthless hippies screwing, shitting and spewing their moronic rhetoric in public. I would rather have spent two years in the trenches during World War I.

I hate to break this to you, worthless ’60s hippies (the most worthless generation of Americans in history), but getting stoned, listening to highly generic music, humping a goat and playing grab ass in the mud didn’t “change the world, man.” You folks were a joke in 1969 and you’re still a joke 40 years later. Now go smoke a bowl and put on some Hendrix in your “apartment” in your daughter’s basement. Groovy man.

Another Childhood Favorite Ruined For Me

I was positive when I got laid off at the beginning of May that one of the good things about all my new-found free time would be that I could really focus on Homers for awhile. What I didn’t bet on was this summer being duller than dog shit. There have been a few items of note with regards to the local sports teams that I could have opined on (Tony dumping Jessica, the Gortat non-deal effing the Mavs, the all-too-expected mid-summer collapse of the Rangers), but in all honesty, these things just don’t interest me anymore.

So, in an effort to keep this blog going, I present you with a piece I wrote two and a half years ago. It was supposed to run on another site I briefly wrote for, but it never saw the light of day. Without further ado, I bring you this masterpiece of sarcasm and wit.

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I’ll admit it. As a kid growing up, I loved comic books, super heroes and pretty much anything that involved capes and full body leotards. I held my breath as Batman, perilously dangling from a helicopter rope ladder, bravely called to Robin for the Bat-anti-shark repellent spray as the flaccid Styrofoam shark was latched onto his leg in the 1968 feature film. I watched every episode I could of “The Amazing Spider-Man” on Channel 21 even though Spider-Man looked like an out of work porn star wearing one of those cheap Halloween costumes your mom bought for $2.99 at the local Safeway.

And even though I’m now a slightly more mature man of 26, I still get sucked into my old ways. It always comes back to bite me when I try to re-visit eras of life that are long-gone, but still I try to recapture the magic. As I sat at home Sunday night, pouting because the wife didn’t agree with me that $49.95 was a great investment to see WrestleMania 23 live from Detroit (especially since it was the 20^th anniversary of when 93,000 people packed inside the Silverdome to watch Hulk Hogan defeat Andre the Giant.), I stumbled across Superman II on some cable channel I didn’t even know I had.

To refresh your memory, Superman II chronicles the epic battle of the world’s greatest hero against recently freed Kryptonian prisoners, Zod, Ursa and Non. Zod being the slightly effeminate leader with the child molester mustache, Ursa being the surprisingly hot, yet bitchy token female and Non being the hairy, mute, half-retard who apparently grew up in the Krypton equivalent of Arkansas. But I digress….

I find that these movies are always much cheesier than we remember them from our childhood, but there came a moment in this film that pretty much ruined me from ever watching the Superman movies again.

The pivotal moment of the entire movie is when Superman takes Lois Lane to the Fortress of Solitude, Superman’s frozen, ice house located at the North Pole. There he decides to give up his super powers in a special crystal chamber in order to live a normal life as Lane’s husband. Because, as we all know, it’s every man’s dream to live a life of servitude to a woman rather than to fly around the world, kicking ass and rescuing people from dire situations. That premise alone should be enough to make any male (especially a married one) turn the TV off immediately.

Jason Whitlock: This Is Why Athletes Should Never Marry

Man, I’ve been barking up this tree for years. I think it goes for actors and musicians, too. If you’ve got the world by the balls and you know ahead of time that you’re not going to be faithful, then why even waste the time to get married in the first place.

Why Americans Hate Soccer

Far and away, the most popular/controversial post I’ve ever written on Homers was this one about how much soccer sucks. I posted that item in May 2008 and people are still commenting on it. While I was out last week, a commenter named “big pete” left what I believe to be the greatest comment in Homers history. His argument strikes right at the heart of why soccer is a pussified, Euro-trash sport that will always be shunned by the American masses. I reprint big pete’s comment here for you in its entirety.

A Long Look Back At My Week Off

Well, I finally pulled the family truckster back into my driveway in Wylie, Texas last night after a long week spent visiting the wife’s family in the Great White North. A lot happened during my time away that needs to be commented on. Plus, I’m going to sprinkle in a few of my own observations from our 2,000 mile round trip trek across the central United States. Here we go…

* I have officially dubbed this to be the Summer of the Dead Has-Been. After arriving at my uncle’s 50th birthday party on Saturday night, the first thing I heard someone say was, “hey, did you hear that they found Steve McNair dead?” Add him to the list along with David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays and Karl Malden. If I was Drew Bledsoe or Scott Baio, I’d be staying indoors a lot these days.

* The Texas Rangers closed the gap between themselves and the Anaheim Angels to regain a share of first place in the A.L. West. As I was driving home yesterday, they were in the process of completing a sweep of  a very good Tampa Bay team. Even better, they finally sent Chris Davis and his limp dick of a bat down to Oklahoma City, making Hank Blalock the new everyday first baseman. While Davis was solid defensively, he looked like Corky Thatcher at the plate, hitting a paltry .202 with an ungodly 114 strikeouts. My prediction: Davis will never see the light of day in the big leagues again.

* The Mavericks re-signed Jason Kidd and are about to sign some giant white Pollock. No one seems to care.

Now for some nuggets from the road.

* I spent the greatest four years of my life at Iowa State University. I’ll never have that much fun again. Unfortunately, I had forgotten what an amazing place the campus is until the wife and I swung through Ames on our way up to Minnesota. If you ever get a chance to make it to Ames, do it. Eat at Great Plains Pizza or Hickory Park, drink a beer at Cy’s Roost, laugh at the smelly kids playing Magic in the comic book shop on Lincoln Way and stroll through ISU’s central campus. You won’t be sorry you did.

* I think I offended at least one person in Minnesota when I referred to William Tecumseh Sherman as a bastard. Instead of crying about it like an overly P.C. pussy, you could have just called scoreboard on me. Your side did win that war after all. On a side note, I find it funny that Sherman is such an icon to the “anti-war” left. If the United States military were to employ his tactic of total warfare in Iraq, the anti-war Left would be in an uproar, ready to prosecute every level of the U.S. government for crimes against humanity. We also would have won that war three months after it started, but that’s another story. But you have to remember that nothing gets a peace-loving, anti-war hippie more excited than the thought of killing his fellow Americans, which is exactly what Sherman did. Don’t believe me? Ask the first anti-war peacenik you come across what his thoughts are on the Iraq War. I’m sure you know what his response will be. Next, ask that same hippie douche what he thinks about Texas (or any other red state in the south) seceding from the Union. Watch as his pants tighten at the thought of the Obama-led U.S. military marching south to teach those no good, free thinkers a bloody and well-deserved lesson.

* Lakes in central Minnesota are freezing fucking cold even in July. I don’t recommend jumping in one.

* Why is the simple act of driving so tiring? Granted, I drove almost 1,000 miles yesterday, but I still didn’t think I was going to be that exhausted when I finally got home. I mean, it is just sitting in a chair and using your hands and one foot, right? Maybe it’s more mental exhaustion from driving around countless morons who refuse to go five miles over the speed limit and who change lanes without looking.

* And on that note: Fuck you, Oklahoma. Die.

“It’s Not About Taking Off My Goddamn Shoes” – Trey Garrison

Those of us who live in Dallas are blessed to have one of the few truly great Libertarian voices out there based right here in our community. His name is Trey Garrison and he’s on a personal mission to restore individualism and personal liberty to this country. My challenge to you is to read Trey’s latest piece on airport security and to embrace the feelings that it stirs inside you. You’re going to feel your blood boil and your heart race. You’re going to want to head to your local airport and give the first TSA officer you see the finger.

And then you’ll probably sense some guilt about these feelings since it’s been drubbed into your head to respect authority. To bow down to authority. To worship authority.

But you need to fight back that guilt and realize what you’re feeling is the most inherent and natural human emotion that exists. It’s the longing to be free. It’s your soul’s desire to say, “Fuck you, you nanny-state loving hippie. I can take care of myself.” Embrace these feelings. Learn to love them. Talk about them with your family. Teach them to your kids.

Then ask yourself these questions. Aren’t you sick of being pushed around? Of being treated like a child? Or are you one of the new succubus-breed Americans who will kindly trade a slice of liberty for a taste of security, no matter how imaginary that security might be?

I know which side I stand on. And if you plan on making me budge, you better bring a big stick, buddy. Though I’m not too worried since action would require you to actually do something for yourself.

New Miss California Prefers Real Marriage, Too

As you can probably tell by the lack of posts on the subject, I couldn’t care less about the issue of gay marriage. I tend to lean more against it than for it, but overall, it’s something I don’t lose a whole lot of sleep over.

However, I have been following the ax job the media has pulled on Carrie Prejean, the Miss California representative who voiced her opposition to gay marriage when asked about it by Perez Hilton at the Miss USA Pagenent. Or I should say, the former Miss California since she was officially stripped of her title yesterday. There’s nothing quite like seeing someone brave enough to voice an opinion in a country that says it values free speech, only to have the media do everything in their power to destroy that person’s life (*cough* Joe the Plumber *cough*).

Well, it appears that Perez Hilton and his henchmen still have some work ahead of them. Apparently the new Miss California, Tami Farell, holds the exact same views on gay marriage as Carrie Prejean.

Get your throwing arm warmed up, Perez, because you have a new batch of poo to fling, you troglodyte rectal wart.

Finally, Someone Agrees With Me

Amanda Cobra is a fellow Dallas blogger who writes the perpetually sharp-witted and spot-on blog, You Go Live In Utah. Her latest post tackles what has become an obsession of mine: proclaiming the absolute worthlessness of Twitter. People try to downplay my naysaying since I’ve never actually taken the time to sign up for a Twitter account. Well, Amanda listened to the hype, signed up and realized that Twitter is still retarded. Read her complete post here. Or RT it to all of your followers. Or take your iPhone and shove it up your……..ahhhh what’s the use.

Why Would We Want To Model Anything In This Country After California?

Do you want a front row view of what exactly is going to happen to America if we continue down the current path of deficit spending that the Chosen One is leading us? Then just look to the great state of California. After decades of liberal legislation, hoards of entitlement programs, ridiculous union contracts, anti-business policies and high taxes, California literally is standing on the brink of a total economic collapse. What amuses me the most is that it finally took it getting this bad before the voters stood up and said “no more.” The bill has come for their little hippie Utopian experiment and nobody wants to pay it.

Voters themselves are partly to blame, approving initiatives in years past that have created or expanded programs without identifying how to pay for them.

“One thing we do know is the voters’ wish list is a lot longer than the ‘I’m willing to pay for it’ list. People are going to have to rectify the two,” state Treasurer Bill Lockyer said.

This all comes on the heels of Obama’s announcement that he’s revising the federal requirements for auto mileage and emissions to be more in line with the overly restrictive standards that were implemented in California years ago. Really? Why in God’s name would we want to model any sort of national policy framework after California? Is the epic fail taking place in front of our eyes not reason enough to second guess the judgment of the crazies on the left coast?

Welcome To The Real World, 2009 College Grads!

Drew Magery of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber fame writes his annual farewell speech to this year’s batch of fresh-faced college graduates. Pretty much everything listed in this rant is 100 percent true. I wish my brain worked like Drew’s.

F**k Brett Favre

Normally, I couldn’t give a shit less about Minnesota Vikings fans. However, this write up by Drew Magary at Kissing Suzy Kolber about the impending signing of Brett Favre by the Vikings is absolutely classic. It might be the single best item I’ve ever read on the internet.

NOTE: If curse words offend you, then don’t click the link.

See What Libtards Consider To Be Good Protesters

Over the next few days, you’re going to see countless images and hear numerous reports about how all of the protesters at yesterday’s relatively benign tea parties were a bunch of radical racist wingnuts who have no goal other than the complete destruction of our union and killing the president of the United States.

While the left considers folks speaking out against out of control government spending as highly dangerous, head over to this site to see what kinds of protests they see as being completely normal.

Now remind me again who the bigot extremists are.

Barry Obama Refuses To Visit Omaha Beach As Not To Offend The Germans

I know I tend to spout off a lot of rhetoric when I’m ranting about politics, but when I read the headline to this story, I reached a new low in my respect for the office of President of the United States. As if he wasn’t a big enough joke already, Barack Obama is now officially a disgrace to America.

We now live in such a politically correct world that the liberators of the victims of the Holocaust can’t be honored for the sake of not offending the perpetrators of the Holocaust. Amazing. Incredibly sad and disgusting, but truly amazing.

Twitter = Idiocracy x 1,000,000

Look, I know social networking is the new big thing. I see the value in sites such as Facebook and MySpace. They offer legitimate ways for people to stay in touch or even catch up with distant friends and relatives. They’ve created a sense of community where people can interact in a meaningful manner.

But then Twitter has to come along and piss all over the campfire.

Let me tell something about Twitter: it’s fucking retarded.

I’m gonna start shouting out every mundane task I’m currently doing throughout the day to show people just how stupid this fad is.

“Reading Drudge!”

“Nursing hangover!”

“Just got a random mid-day boner!”

Just because you announce such things over the Web instead of vocally doesn’t make you any less of a jackass.

What makes things even worse is that I work at a digital ad agency that scorches its shorts every time some new Web 2.0 do-hickey like this hits the market. Note to the higher ups: not every Web-based platform that gives morons insight into the daily activities of other morons is revolutionary. Sometimes the masses glom onto a half-wit concept, get caught up in the mass hysteria only to realize after a short period of time just how misplaced their enthusiasm really was. IE: the Obama presidency.

I’m predicting that this useless (and completely narcissistic) fad goes the way of the slap bracelet, parachute pants and government fiscal responsibility.

Attention Liberal Douchebags and Overzealous Soccer Moms

Chances are you hold something on this list near and dear to your heart. And chances are even better that you’re about as bright as a box of pencil shavings for believing everything Al Gore and Oprah tell you.

Hippies and soccer moms. Both are allergic to anything resembling hard work, but somehow they think they can solve all the worlds’ problems.

Unemployment Up. Economy Sucks. Let’s Parrrttaaayyyyy!

It is now being reported that the inauguration costs for President-elect Obama will reach in excess of $150 million. I think that sends a good message to those waiting in unemployment lines and getting pink slips as we speak. Not to mention the rush Obama is putting on the release of the final amount of the $700 billion bailout of the banking world. 

Obama’s inauguration committee says it is mindful of the times and is not worried people will see the four days of festivities as excessive.

“That is probably not the way the country is going to be looking at it,” said committee spokeswoman Linda Douglass. “It is not a celebration of an election. It is a celebration of our common values.”

Douglass said the campaign sought to keep costs down by having the same decorations at each of the 10 balls, eliminating floral arrangements and negotiating prices on food.

I disagree Ms. Douglass. As a citizen of this country that IS the way I’m looking at it. It is completely excessive. You could’ve asked one of your hippy moonbeam followers to strum her guitar and catered McDonalds for much less. But I am glad you’re using the same decorations and cutting the flowers. I’m sure that had a lot more to do getting to $150 million than hiring Beyonce, the Boss and the rest of Hollywood to speak on Obama’s behalf. But then again, it wouldn’t be modern America if we didn’t live above our means.

Two Down…One To Go

Well, with PacMan officially gone as of February 9th and with Tank Johnson being a free agent that Dallas will not re-sign, that leaves just one of the more divisive players in the locker room (and the league for that matter) still left to be shown the exit. Since T.O.’s signing with Dallas there hasn’t been a stronger supporter than me. I’ve been wrong a lot in my life. Like the time in kindergarten when I thought glitter would taste as good as it looks. But alas, I’ve been shown the error of my ways in wanting T.O. to remain a Dallas Cowboy. I think Romo would be a better quarterback without him. I think the ‘Boys would be a better team without him. I think Wade would be a better…nope, scratch that last one. Wade still sucks. Jerry Jones says that Dallas would have a hard time of signing Demarcus Ware if they were to release T.O. But when has Jerry been a pillar of honesty? D-Ware would get signed regardless and the cap hit would not be that great. Plus, you relieve yourself of a huge headache. But I digress. This makes sense, therefore it will never happen. I hate what you do to me. F-you Cowboys.