Twitter = Idiocracy x 1,000,000

Look, I know social networking is the new big thing. I see the value in sites such as Facebook and MySpace. They offer legitimate ways for people to stay in touch or even catch up with distant friends and relatives. They’ve created a sense of community where people can interact in a meaningful manner.

But then Twitter has to come along and piss all over the campfire.

Let me tell something about Twitter: it’s fucking retarded.

I’m gonna start shouting out every mundane task I’m currently doing throughout the day to show people just how stupid this fad is.

“Reading Drudge!”

“Nursing hangover!”

“Just got a random mid-day boner!”

Just because you announce such things over the Web instead of vocally doesn’t make you any less of a jackass.

What makes things even worse is that I work at a digital ad agency that scorches its shorts every time some new Web 2.0 do-hickey like this hits the market. Note to the higher ups: not every Web-based platform that gives morons insight into the daily activities of other morons is revolutionary. Sometimes the masses glom onto a half-wit concept, get caught up in the mass hysteria only to realize after a short period of time just how misplaced their enthusiasm really was. IE: the Obama presidency.

I’m predicting that this useless (and completely narcissistic) fad goes the way of the slap bracelet, parachute pants and government fiscal responsibility.

What’s Grosser Than Gross?

The sheer thought that this will happen?

Bizarre???

Joaquin Phoenix (Commodus from Gladiator) is pursuing a career as a rapper. And a yetti. And wow, is he high. 

Why Doesn’t This Ever Happen To Me?

I’m not sure if I’ve ever expressed my love for all things antique on Homers before, but let me tell you, I freaking love old junk. Old comic books, sporting equipment, typewriters…anything that seemingly has a story to it lights my candle. And old baseball cards are at the top of that list. Recently, an old lady in Connecticut stumbled across what she thought was a run-of-mill baseball card while digging through her old junk. Turns out that puppy is actually 139 years old and may be one of the first baseball cards ever made. It’s also expected to fetch six figures at auction.

I hate you, you old bitch.

Hollywood v. Wade “Staypuft” Phillips

This comparison pits movie coaches against the real life Staypuft Marshmallow coach of the Dallas Cowboys Wade Phillips and why they would be better real life coaches than the aformentioned Phillips:

Tony D’Amato (Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday) – never saw the movie, but having Scarface as your headcoach would be awesome. 

Morris Buttermaker (Billy Bob Thornton in Bad News Bears) – Who better than a washed up former player that curses and drinks to lead a band of misfits turn primadonnas to the big game. Plus Billy Bob Thornton bumped uglies (and in his case ‘very ugly’) with Angelina Jolie in a limo on the way to an awards show. That’s just cool.

Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own) – Dallas just needs someone to tell T.O. that there’s no crying in football.

Molly McGrath (Goldie Hawn in Wildcats) – Let’s face it, she’s got bigger balls than Wade Phillips.

Bud Kilmer (Jon Voight in Varsity Blues) - A hard nosed ball coach that stands up to the QB and doesn’t take shit from anyone be it the local police, fans, players or administration. He chose winning over everything. Everybody was scared of Coach Kilmer. Jimmy Johnson anyone? 

Reggie Dunlop (Paul Newman in Slap Shot) – Again, never saw the movie. And I hate hockey. But it’s Paul Newman for Pete’s sake. Plus the man made a damn good salad dressing.

Bobby Finstock (Jay Tarsas in Teen Wolf) - T.O. would like him cause coach Finstock new the only way to win was to give the ball to the best player…in this case The Wolf. The only thing is T.O. is not Dallas’ best player. You do have to admire a coach that will eat hard boiled eggs on the bench though, because if he’s anything like me, a screen door couldn’t catch the aftermath of eating boiled eggs.